How to Host a Parasite

Fun fact: just because you are thirty-eight years old, and have never been pregnant; it does not mean that you will not unexpectedly find yourself host to a parasite. This is especially true if you had three glasses of  wine in one night, AND used an app on your phone to gauge chances of fertility as your only form of birth control.

At first, I merely assumed my missed period meant I was going through early menopause. However, three pregnancy tests later (including a doctor administered test), I finally accepted the fact that I had inadvertently begun the spawning process. Needless to say, I was not prepared for the news and it took me a while to process it all with my first thought being, “Crap! I can’t drink wine for like a year now!”

(Note: I have not decided whether or not to write this memory in my parasite’s baby book. There is a section that asks, “What did you first think/feel when you found out you were pregnancy?” but I am not sure they want that level of honesty.)

However, I had no idea that NOT drinking wine was going to be the least of my worries as I began the process of growing a human.

Did you know that doctors don’t even want to see a pregnant a woman until she is at least 8 weeks pregnant? Do you also know how much you can Google in 8 weeks and convince yourself that there is 1. Going to be something wrong with your baby because you are too old to be spawning 2. That everything will be fine with baby, but you will probably die in childbirth from mediocre maternity care in the U.S. and pre-eclampsia, and your spawn will be forced to grow up without a mother, and be all screwed up because of it. All because you got careless and became pregnant WAY too old.

So, by the time that 8 week doctor’s appointment came around, I was prepared to hear anything from, “I am sorry there is no heartbeat.” to “What the heck is that, that’s not a baby, it’s an alien spawn that will rip its way out of your stomach!”

What I was not prepared for was something called a trans-vaginal ultrasound. If you don’t know what this is, you should Google it. No, wait! I am just joking. DO NOT Google it! Apparently, ultrasound technology has advanced so much that now at 8 weeks pregnant a woman can experience the joy of having a tran-vaginal ultrasound wand inserted into her vagina in order to view a developing parasite and to check for a heartbeat.

Upon seeing the wand, I requested the Sorting Hat method of determining if baby was healthy or not, but the nurse told me they did not have one available.

(Note: the wand is not effective with spells and so using the wand and saying “Accio” will not cause baby to deliver without labor. I checked, just in case).

One never knows what to wear or who to bring to a vaginal wanding, but I finally decided on my Hogwarts t-shirt with jeans and converse, and brought my mom along for a truly bonding experience. Mother/daughter vaginal wanding anyone?

Anyway, initially my mom was seated in a chair located within stirrup view of my vagina, but once the nurse brought out the wand, she decided she preferred a “cheap seats” view and moved up near my head with the excuse, “I can see the monitor better from here.” I don’t blame her. I am not sure what the interior decorator was thinking when they designed this examining room, but a chair with a vagina stirrup view is not very Feng Shui. well unless you are into that sort of thing…weirdo.

I am pretty sarcastic and since I never really planned on motherhood, nor expected it, I did not expect to find the vaginal wanding ultrasound that memorable, well apart from I could tell people that I had a vaginal wand ultrasound just too see their reaction. To be honest I was already planning the jokes I could tell after the process was complete.

What I did not expect was to feel something so strong, weird, and immediate when I saw that little tadpole mass of cells with a heartbeat that I not only could see, but hear. Jokes were forgotten, and I felt myself tear up a little as I felt this new feeling of determination, protection, and I guess love overwhelm me. After all these years, I finally was going to be host to a parasite, and I was happy about it…even if he did rip his way out of my stomach like in Alien.


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