Due Dates, Doctors, and Designer Birth Packages

According to the highly scientific method of throwing a dart at a calendar, as used by doctors today, my parasite’s arrival date should be some time around November 7th. Now, we all know that parasitic due dates are about as accurate as a Stormtrooper’s aim with a blaster, or Aztec end of the world prophecies. Because of this, I am preparing for an early arrival since I am a person known for always being early to any event, and I assume that is a genetic trait that my parasite will inherit as well.

Although my oldest brother hopes the parasite will be born on November 5th (Guy Fawkes Day) “Remember, Remember the 5th of November” because he is a huge fan of the film, V for Vendetta, I am hoping for an October 31st delivery. Now, I know many people may question what type of weirdo is actually hoping their child is born on Satan’s holiday (sorry, bit of a flashback to my being raised as Baptist days!).

Well, it would be the type of weirdo who wants her maternity pit crew dressed in costumes when they welcome her parasite into the world. At first I was thinking I would like to have Frankenstein’s monster deliver my parasite, but then I thought, why limit myself to such a cliché costume, let’s nerd this labor and delivery up a few levels!

So after much deliberation, I have created the following birth plan scenarios and will ask my maternity pit crew which they want to support and/or have the appropriate costumes/props in which to make happen.

The Star Trek Birthing Experience

I would like a female doctor/midwife (preferably with red hair or wearing a red wig) to act as Dr. Beverly Crusher and deliver my baby. I would like the nurses, and anyone else who is involved in labor delivery to be dressed in a Star Trek costume, or as a Star Trek character (this includes Klingon, Ferengi, Romulan, Vulcan, or whatever race they like best). I will also need one of those shiny blankets they always seemed to have on their sleeping quarters beds and I guess some shrubbery around my head (to maintain authenticity).



Time Lord Delivery

I would like my baby to be delivered by the Doctor. Either the 10th or 11th Doctor to be specific. I think I would prefer the wit of the 10th Doctor as he delivers my baby, but I would also be happy with the 11th Doctor because bow ties always make me smile. I will leave the decision up to my actual doctor, he can decide if he is more of a Converse guy, or a bow tie guy. Regardless of Doctor chosen, my doctor must have a proper Sonic Screwdriver and has to use it at least once during the labor process (that’s a non-negotiable).


 Accio Baby!

My final birth plan option is the Harry Potter experience. I want my room to be decorated with floating candles and all of my maternity pit crew will be dressed in Hogwarts robes. I would prefer if my doctor/midwife could also say some spells to help ease delivery pain and time (or better yet, use a time spinner to take me to a point in time after I have already delivered my little half-nerd prince).


Thinking about these birth plan options made me realize that this is a whole untapped industry. We have themes for weddings, birthday parties, etc., but we don’t have themes available for birthing experiences. I feel like birthing centers really need to up their game and start offering designer birth packages that allow people to create a whole birthing experience including: various themed birthing rooms, music, costumes, and of course keepsake photos. This could become a whole thing! Imagine people saying, “Oh I am opting for the Star Wars Tatooine birthing experience, or I decided to choose the Enterprise bridge birthing experience, with Worf delivering my baby!”

How awesome would that be?!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: